


You’re Speaking My Language!

by Aerica_Menai



Category: The Losers (2010)
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexuality, Asexuality Spectrum, Internalized Acephobia, M/M, Trading Losers, panromantic aegosexual!Jensen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-06
Updated: 2018-09-06
Packaged: 2019-07-07 09:27:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15905520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aerica_Menai/pseuds/Aerica_Menai
Summary: Jensen was doing a great job of hiding his asexuality and his gigantic crush on Cougar - until the two started watching Merlin together and staging a ship war (discussion, really) that brings to light more than just their feelings about two characters in love...





	You’re Speaking My Language!

**Author's Note:**

> While Amethystina's Trading Losers inspired me to finish writing this fic as quickly as I did (which is such a brilliant idea, thank you for coming up with it!), I never would have posted it without the beta-ing and cheerleading of the marvelous @grayraincurtain - I seriously cannot thank you enough for all that you've done and continue to do <3
> 
> Title is from the song You Speak My Language by Morphine.
> 
> I'm a pretty new writer discussing a very personal topic - constructive criticism, please. Many thanks and I hope you enjoy :)
> 
> **Spoilers for BBC's Merlin, if you haven't watched it yet!

Jake Jensen had been socially awkward for most of his life – side effect of being a young genius – but there was a whole extra level of awkward to be discovered when he figured out that he was supposed to be interested in sex after a certain age and that interest just never, ever showed up. Romantic, sure – there were so many beautiful and interesting people in the world, how could he not be interested in getting to know some of them better? – but the overtly sexual undertone to most women’s (and only women, as long as he was in the army and DADT was a thing) flirtations just skeeved him out, so he’d throw out some terrible lines and just generally clown around until they left in disgust. Soon his reputation as lady-repellant was well-known, and his teammates (both before and during his time with the Losers) got used to buying him conciliatory drinks when his “targets” left him in the dust. Better to have that reputation than one of a broken ice king, Jensen figured. He knew he was asexual, after stumbling across a forum and chat room for asexuals – but he also knew that even within the asexual community, he was different. He liked watching porn and jerking off, but the thought of getting sexually involved with anyone (with anyone touching him) gave him shivers, and not the fun, anticipatory ones he kept reading about, just shivers of discomfort and disgust at the mere thought. He knew he was a freak, but at least his masturbation helped keep his cover as a “normal” allosexual. As far as his teammates knew, all the self-love was to compensate for not being able to get any action, rather than his preferred method of getting off – and he was happy to keep it that way. He had finally found a place to belong, here with the Losers, not to mention the best friend anyone could ask for and possible best human being on the planet in Cougar (...not an opinion colored by his galaxy-sized crush on the man, not at all); there was no way he was going to jeopardize any of that.

*~*

He was minding his own business during some unexpected downtime, rewatching BBC Merlin (home of Merthur eyesex and fantastically cheesy special effects, what wasn’t to like?), when Cougar decided to join him halfway through the first season. Trying to answer all of Cougar’s questions was exhausting, so Jensen forbade him from watching with him again until he had watched the first half of the season – thinking Cougar would drop it and that would be the end of it, leaving him to watch his show in peace. Instead the sly bastard pulled out the puppy eyes and the logic – “It would be better if you watched them with me and explained anything else I still didn’t understand, si?” Jensen groaned, knowing he was going to cave like the gooey marshmallow he was, but quickly rallied himself enough to ask for proper nourishment before they embarked on their binge-watching. A smug Cougar went off to raid the house for any popcorn or sugary snacks, already having memorized Jensen’s favorite binging foods. 

*~*

Cougar took to Merlin much easier than Jensen expected, not asking too many questions and not laughing overly much at all of Jensen’s fanboying. Sadly, he was an Arwen shipper, a capital offense in Jensen’s Merthur-ruled world, but no one could be perfect. If Cougar did ship Merthur, Jensen might accidentally end up spilling out all his gooey feelings for Cougar (despite DADT and Cougar’s likely homicidal reaction to such a confession) – as it was, anytime his feelings threatened to overcome him, he just remembered Cougar’s awful shipping taste and reined himself in. 

*~*

“Look,” Cougar sighed, pointing at the screen, “He is kissing her, and telling her how much he loves her.” Jensen scoffs. “Words, Cougs, just words – when it comes down to saving Gwen or Merlin in season 5, he leaves his unconscious wife on the side of the road to go rescue Merlin, risking his entire mission of saving the supposed love of his life as well as his own life – I ask you, how is that anything but true love?” Jensen demanded. Cougar just blinked slowly at him, then shrugged. “True love’s kiss with Gwen, earlier,” he mentioned. Jensen groaned. “Okay, so the writers forced a true love’s kiss that cinematically was leagues behind the chemistry between Merlin and Arthur just looking at each other; how does that disprove my point, again?” Cougar looks confused. “Kisses mean romance. Merlin and Arthur have never kissed – therefore, not as deeply in love as Arthur and Gwen, si?” Jensen felt his gut clench. “Not everyone likes kissing!” he retorted, trying to cover his discomfort. “There are plenty of people who prefer hugging or other things to kissing to show or receive love – Merlin, for example, shows his love through protecting his king from magical threats, and Arthur reciprocates by keeping him close and allowing him familiarities that no one else gets, not even Gwen.” Cougar didn’t respond, and Jensen grew more and more nervous. Eventually Cougar just shrugged and let the subject drop, going back to watching the show while Jensen relaxed, internally breathing a sigh of relief.

*~*

A few weeks later, Jensen and Cougar had the safehouse to themselves in the aftermath of a successful mission. Jensen, riding high on their success, asked Cougar if he wanted to celebrate by finishing season 5 of Merlin – but slowly, with plenty of breaks for their emotional well-being. Cougar nodded and settled into the couch, snacks already gathered and ready. Jensen, still overly excited, decided that ignoring Cougar’s personal space and wiggling into the couch right next to him (leaning on him, snuggling him) was a good idea – and only realized how close they were when Cougar threw his customary blanket over both of them instead of just himself. Jensen flushed and started to struggle his way out of it, stuttering apologies until Cougar gently laid a hand over his knee. “Fine with me if it is fine with you,” he explained quietly. Jensen stopped moving, then wiggled his way back into his original, extremely comfortable position. “If you’re sure,” he muttered. Cougar smirked and gestured for him to start the episode.

*~*

Every. Single. Time. Every single time he watched it – even now, with Cougar watching with him, the one time he really needed to keep it together – Jensen couldn’t keep it together while watching the most heartbreaking finale known to man. The heartbreak was just too much, he needed to cry it out. Cougar simply offered Jensen the tissue box and stayed, no judgment or words offered, just comforting silence. 

Jensen was emotionally wrung out enough after it all that he must have fallen asleep, since he woke up a few hours later in the same basic position – snuggled up under a blanket with Cougar, but Cougar must have adjusted how he was sitting, because he miraculously didn’t have a sore neck like he usually did when he fell asleep on the couch. Between the sudden wave of love he felt due to Cougar’s incredible thoughtfulness and his groggy just-woken-up state, Jensen did the one thing he had been avoiding for months, blurting out to Cougar, “God, I love you.” 

Cougar looked up from his phone and replied, “I know.” Jensen only had a minute to absorb the Star Wars reference – he chose so well – before Cougar’s smirk softened into a kind smile as he continued, “Te amo tambien.”

Jensen froze. Snarky Stars Wars banter aside, that looked and sounded like a real confession of love, like his. Was he reading too much into it, overthinking a bromantic confession for something more? Responding to Jensen’s suddenly stiff posture, Cougar put down his phone and turned to face him fully. “You talk in your sleep almost as much as you do awake, mi amor. I have no homicidal urges after hearing about your love for me, and as long as we are careful, DADT should not be a problem. For some reason you seem very concerned with my belief in Arwen, but I believe we can agree to disagree when it comes to that, si?”

Rather than relax, as Cougar probably intended with that little speech, Jensen wound up even tighter. “There’s, uh… something else I’ve never told you – or, anyone really,” Jensen whispered. He slowly lifted his eyes to meet Cougar’s. Emboldened by the acceptance and love he saw there, he took a deep breath, wiping suddenly sweaty palms on his thighs. “I, uh, I’m not exactly…normal. And I don’t mean the usual, not normal because of my unique personality crack – believe me, I’ve heard that one a thousand times – but more…innate, than that. I, um…I’m not really sexually attracted to people. Like, people are awesome, I love getting to know them, but – never in the Biblical sense, you know?” Silence met this statement, and Jensen looked up to see Cougar frowning in slight confusion. Slowly, Cougar asked, “Then, when I asked about kisses meaning a deeper love… ” 

“Yeah,” Jensen interrupted, “some asexual people really don’t like it. Personally I’m all for snuggling and hugs, I can take or leave kissing – don’t hate it or love it, but it might be different with you, so I’m willing to experiment – but, uh, intimate sexual touches and sex are off the table, I’m really not comfortable with that.” Jensen took another deep breath and forged on despite his increasing nerves. “And, uh, even among asexuals I’m kinda weird in that I like masturbating, but the idea of someone else being involved just creeps me out, so…I’m a freak even within the asexual community,” he finished bitterly. 

Jensen kept staring at his lap, waiting for Cougar to take back his confession now that he knew what a screw-up Jensen really was, he couldn’t even be a normal freak, he had to take his freakiness to the next level – when he felt Cougar gently grabbing his face and tilting his gaze to meet Cougar’s fiery one. “You are not a freak, mi amor,” he growled. “You are unique, and we will work at this relationship to make sure we are both comfortable and happy with everything we do together. Improvise, adapt and overcome, si?” Jensen laughed wetly, tears already starting to pool at the overwhelming emotions of joy, relief, acceptance and love all swirled together into an uncontrollable happiness. “Si,” he responded, curling up in the warmth of Cougar’s embrace, feeling a sense of safety and certainty he thought he never would – but now, it was a feeling he would never forget.

**Author's Note:**

> While Jensen may have felt like a freak among freaks, he’s actually one of quite a few people (including myself) who identify as aegosexual or, as it’s sometimes known, autochorissexual. Both are terms used for the same definition: to sum up, that one feels a disconnect from sexual arousal – that fantasies about others may be arousing (porn, erotic fiction, etc.) but when it comes to picturing oneself involved in sexual activities, arousal just disappears. Here are some links to learn more about it, if you’re interested: https://aminoapps.com/c/lgbt-1/page/blog/aegosexual-awareness/QKB7_qQbuXuJb6R4BrWbbjlmJbNwxVPqV6w; https://livelovelgbtq.wordpress.com/2017/10/27/aegosexual/


End file.
